Imitative snows at Pavillion on 26th Nov 2010.
♥
一通电话一句 “我可以远离他们” 可以足以证明一个女人是否重色忘友，要失去朋友多么简单；那忘友呢？其实有点难。曾经因为爱，所以我选择弃友，一切为了爱，我可以不顾一切，无条件去满足那些从前的规律。那些从前，根本没人想再拿出来攀谈，要不是前因后果；要不是
前 因 后 果
我告诉他，希望也转达另一个他，我曾经考虑我们不再那么友好。若是我与你们真的不再友好，那会是个怎样的局面？明明知道我的生活一部分已经被你们私占了，可是我还是口是心非地表明我做得到。其实最终事实或答案是怎样，我觉得我没必要说出来。
藤井树曾经在他的著作里写着 “ 谁说失恋不会成长？” 是的，失恋者或许可藉着此机会在伤害中学习在悬崖边缘拉回自己。但，那个不一定是我。一错再错只会借着从错误中学习的借口慰藉自己，这也不一定是失恋。明知错了再错还是一个错，一个错又引着一错再错的到来。
失恋可让你在你心灵某处产生一种对伤害的免疫系统，因此你变得十分坚强；巩固心灵深处，不再让眼泪堤坝崩溃。但却你的身体健康良起红灯，失眠饭啃不进水咽不下通通到齐，所以你还是那么不好，可是当别人慰问起你的时候，你却总会回答说：
“ 我很好。”
有多好？更上一层楼的也只不过是你对伤害的免疫系统，而不是你的灵魂。对于自行治疗失恋那一关，其实大概也只能治标不治本。
对于我的处境，那些朋友从不安慰，只会责问，责备，带一点点的羞辱我的迂执和愚滞。把我拉回现实面对事实，很残酷也很痛苦，谁不想往前走？可是谁又能彻底地做得到？眷恋徘徊执着就像口香糖，怎么咬，都咬不断从前的回忆。不是每个女孩都是那么狠心，说撇下一切不管翻脸就著。
朋友的关怀并没有那么神奇，说一下禰补裂痕就能禰补。可是他们的关怀或许是两下，三下，四下.........................................一百下.......................................一万下.......................直到永无止境；直到你痊愈的那一天，关怀不会因你微笑着而停止。没那么神奇，确是那么奇迹。厌恶也可算是关怀你的出发点；厌恶你堕落，沉溺，而当有天厌恶间接转变成了，一种关怀。
因为曾经堕落， 因为曾经不懂得珍惜自己，所以对朋友更那一份情更有一种特殊的爱护。并不想再滥用那一份冲动来撇清之间的美好，也并不想在违逆心中的那一份实际。我有多珍惜，我想我没必要再形容了，难以言喻。
因为你们，我的生命有种再次无暇的感觉。没有你们，我的生活不完却不够完美不够好，才知道朋友也有莫名的依赖。
朋友之间不会疏远，却因为时间距离离我远去。会想念会缅怀，会难过，会流泪，会想找回当初能依靠的肩膀，那是我们都付出了真心。
未来的那一年史记里，我已经在妄想了。
我并不想得到的是熟悉却是没温度的问候，原自于你们。
今天和AMY还有SIMYEN出去，就因为SIMYEN的三个字一句话回复了一个每个小孩都会懊恼的问题让我有莫名的冲劲写下这一切。刚开始我对于她专读的插画科系感到好奇，而我也顺其自然一样像个自以为是的大人似的问了她一句：
你读插画，那你以后要做什么？
一种厌弃大人的口气，而我其实盼望的是一种年轻人的观点。
盼我所期，一切如我所愿，她的简而洁的回答让我捂嘴也悟彻那三个字的含义。
我不懂
这三个字，我想我一直都在背着这三个字的哲理和原理来度过我人生。要这么说呢？就像是SimYen不懂她未来要从事哪个行业，可是她却明了她现今的选择，我喜欢 “我不懂” 这三个字决定的前因却讨厌决定后该面对的现实。我不懂SY为何选择插画，可是我很喜欢她迈着自己的兴趣的道路和那一份与现实隔绝的勇气；却，我讨厌的是那一个 “你未来要干什么的问题”，那是全天下的年轻人的烦恼。
每当一些所谓的大人用一种很关心你的未来的语气来问候你的时候，心中还是会忍不住丢出三字经：
“他妈的，又是这个问题？！”
很多人都以为我读mass communication，这足以让我有点不爽。衣着只不过鲜艳了一些，也只不过爱在脸上涂些东西就被认定为我是读mass communication的学生。所以说报读business的学生就必须穿着保守（在下的意思是型方面），颜色单调，一副庄严遗容？Oppss，应该是庄严仪容。是这样吗？报读business不是我的第一选择，一直对中文热诚的我始终还是无法鼓起勇气在新纪元学院填下表格，因为我不想当不孝女。
我爸爸一直都很担心我读了中文以后找不到饭碗，在社会上不能立足。但却，我无法告诉我爸爸其实我想当个作家，这种听起来很荒谬的理想，我实在是无法破口而出。我父母一直都以为我想当个教师，这种伟大的志愿早已在我学会化妆的那一天消失的五影无踪。
所以，我选择放弃了我的梦想，放弃了一种只能活在毫无声波的部落格生存的理想。对于中文，我愈来愈堕落，比堕胎还要堕落。
接着，我抱着 “我不懂” 我以后要干嘛的心态报读了business，然后认识了一些我又爱又恨的College朋友。我不懂我会如何度过我的College生活，对于College生活充满憧憬，直到我认识了他们，我的美梦就像泡沫一样随风而飞远去。
我搞不懂为何泡沫随风而去，可是我却喜欢的是在泡沫随风而去的下一秒时一阵风把蒲公英吹到我面前，却又在下一秒，我讨厌的是被他们敲醒然后告诉我Final Exams快到了，不要再发懵了。
我不懂他们，有时我讨厌他们，有时我喜欢他们。
我们的认识，一点都不浪漫，却是那么一般的注定，就像是男孩们之间那种一点都不含蓄的友谊。若回想起来，他们3个听起来比较像是天注定一定要认识彼此，而我，就像是扰乱他们宁静的生活的武器。
我早已想对他们说，我在college的第一天，我无意要认识他们三个，却有意要和他们做朋友，搞小团体。那时候的我一直都觉得我是局外人，不像是共同体，感觉很多余。要知道，女孩子真的有够他妈的爱乱想，其实，当时候的想法才是他妈的多余。
到现在，我不懂他们，因为私低下也不会恶心到联络对方，或许我懂可是我不敢承认我懂他们，毕竟他们真的很难搞懂。要知道，
男人，是一种爱伪装单细胞复杂的动物。
看起来像是用着下半身思考的动物，其实那只不过是对女人身体的思考方式而已。在更深沉的，我没搞懂，却慢慢地在懂。我的college朋友，他们没有很单纯因为爱装成熟，他们爱耍帅但却很可爱；他们说话咄咄逼人却为人着想（我希望我的揣测应该没有错），看似自私其实应该很出手大方，总爱批评我却爱告诉我 “你不知道谁到底真正对你好” 这种看似对你认真的lanjiao笑话；也爱用一口我好像犯了闹天宫的大罪似的责问我的一切然后dulan我给予他们的回答 “我是不是什么都要跟你们报备？” ，他们小器却很少生我气。
我真的不太懂他们，却很喜欢跟着他们的步伐走，就像是一个刚学会奔跑的小孩，卖力地跟着爸爸后头，步伐或许跟爸爸不太一致，可是心却是一致，这是我喜欢的地方。而我讨厌的，也就是我喜欢的...
我讨厌他们说女孩不应该拿来宠，这种把我打死我都不会相信概念，我才不信他们没宠他们的女朋友。我跟他们说，如果我是他们的女朋友，我会跟他们说：
如果你都不宠我了，那谁来宠我？
重点不在于那句话带来的震撼力，而是那嗲声的杀伤力。
所以也很理所当然的，他们说他们不会宠我。对，他们不会宠我，他们说的。
那如果我说呢？他们其实有点宠我，应该是一点点。
那一点点就是我偶尔吃饭不用付钱，偶尔不用手扛厚重的文件夹和铅笔盒，偶尔也不用拿包包。偶尔要吃什么就吃什么，偶尔喝他们买给我的饮料，偶尔被赦免吃垃圾食物，偶尔跟我拍拍照，偶尔担心我的情绪和感情方面（与其说担心，不如说8卦），偶尔训练我当淑女，偶尔传授如何嫁入豪门的秘籍，偶尔开玩笑地称赞我却要我以为他们是认真地称赞我，偶尔逗我笑当我脸无表情的时候................
以上都是我喜欢的，却又是讨厌的。我讨厌的是当我偶尔吃饭不用付钱渐渐培养了一种不付钱的习惯，还有我懒惰性愈来愈强，习惯被迁就，习惯被责问，很多很多的习惯早已变成了我对他们的一种依赖形势。我喜欢也很讨厌。
我喜欢与他们相处的方式，却讨厌那种强压对他们依赖的心理，更惧畏当他们的右手都牵着一个女孩子的手的那瞬间，那，我怎么办？那我是不是就该在这一秒寻觅一个男朋友？不过我深信他们应该不会那么残忍地搞双双出对却硬要我出席的约会，我深信。
我与他们就像是凭着一个义字行走，言语根本表达不了什么，行动却永远是表态了一切。
我不懂我们的未来因为我看不见，我喜欢他们却在同时我很讨厌他们。
天，注定我抱着 “我不懂”我的未来要干嘛而遇见了他们，
他们应该喜欢我，也很讨厌我，这是我说的，他们从没说过。
貪玩了兩次photoshoot, 那種自我滿足欲望终于得到一点点覆被, 好在我头发还没变银发, 脸皮还不需要注射波尿酸以前拍摄一些我仅有剩余那几年的青春, 至少以后当我7老8十回想起当时的自己的时候, 我至少曾经为自己迷恋。
两次的photoshoot；
两种不同的拍摄手法，两种不同的呈现自己的方式。
***
有些人不擅于在镜头前表现自己，那是一种心理准备有余；
可是当摄影师把焦点投射在我身上的时候，
那种决不犹豫的心态告诉了自己，我早已认定了自己。
眉头脸孔嘴角眼眸，我还记得自己是谁，
就算是你早已把我的一切抛到云霄以外，至少我还有我自己。
There's nothing I can do besides blogging here which could really make me feel like "Oh No! That's really feel so good of being myself ! "
Bunch of friends used to ask me why am I alone Again walking on the street or college but however, they always doubted me after getting know my answer,
" Errrrrrr..I like to be alone.."
This answer fulfilled non of my friends, as well as they used to stared at me and maybe started to ponder bout my social life.
" Maybe that's her excuse to get rid of the fact of she doesn't have friends? I know it's sort of humiliating to tell others that you don't really have friends at coll or in ur life, awww..that's really pathetic. "
If I were you, that would be part of my mind when I chuckled at you after the reply.
For me, it would not be humiliating to be alone or be single lad in this world, maybe for others, they feel that way. Yet, being alone feels restraint-less or I don't need to compromise anyone's needs/wants which I don't even willing to do sometimes. But it doesn't mean I don't need my friends, I still a normal mankind but, I don't frequently find my friend and don't even meet up with my friends often because I don't wish that I'm giving my friends kind of thought that I'll only find them when I'm in troubles, depression, loneliness and etc etc. Sounds like excuse again, maybe we are just don't have the right time to meet each others? : /
Life's getting harder, and I think I've chosen the path which people less go..I'm just doing my own business which step by step to achieve my dreamS, but it never be easy as I wished. Somehow, I do see nothing on my developments or growth,,,but Im keeping up myself from learning and absorbing different varieties of thing from my jobs and studies. Pretty tough and sacrificing, I do lost my social life which every teen keens for it, but somehow, I think it's worth, I always tell myself.
***
" Past means past, it will never goes and turn back "
People can lie whatever on the actual fact to me, for instance, I will not 100% to trust a guy who say ILOVEYOU to me cause it's sort of superficial though, but once he wrote that three words,8 alphabets to me, the feeling is entirely different. I don't mean it to every girls do feel this way, but for me. In a nut shell, what I wanted to imply was once you have written down that, you meant it, right? (; that's pretty enough for me.
#PS: There's still a sentence between I Love You and I don't love you which is,
"I shouldn't love you"
so? which means u love me or not?
_|_
diuuuuu.-.-
: X oh no! I didn't mean it to anyone of youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.
Bye!
Teheeeee, I've put one of my photoshoot pics as my header, not that contented as I wished but at least my blog wouldn't seem so dull ;D Should have some modifying on my blog but I don't think I have that idea on it, I'm entirely such a low-creativity person who worse in designing, I'm glad that I am not a mass comm or whatever one-academy student : X Should ask some help from Kary who always can do in these kind of thing better than me x D haha!
End up of doing my assignment thou, ;D it's time to blog something about what happened during these few days in my life. Last weekend been to an car show event which is Team Supreme Official Launch, I was one of the dancers of that day and it so happened that I've became one of the car show girls too, maybe due to the reason my sis was the car show girl : X haha. But anyway, as a show girl is kind of fun as good as a play divertingness laughably :D besides getting to know some new friends who really adore in cars modifying over there and abundant of car teams participated this event, very supportive....
like AutoPreview, Z.U.Z Society, Team Unveil and etc, in fact I still cannot memorize those car teams zZZZz
♥ Team Supreme Official Launch
Sis and I, the belly dancers : O
Before performing, kinda nervous :D
Tadaaa!
Dancing....
Thennnn,,,,,,,
ChaCha, Munmun, Miwako, and that's me -.-
Heluuuu! w D'Pro Car :D
it's really a racing car which is not permitted to drive it like normal car on the road.
:DD
K K K, 've just grabbed some photos from those photographers' albums X D
I don't remember who's the guy in this photo. : X
but the guy on the right side is the photographer of Extreme Mag, JonathonYam
Event organizer of Team Supreme, Hugo :D
Group picha! ♥
W pretties, Miwako, MunMun & Kary,
not including my sis : X HAHA!
Can see that chew's daughters are tall.
♥ CHIOOO!
Last picccccccccccc :
hee!!! ♥
Being so hectic with my life as daily routine, went for photoshoot lately and cooperating with my sis to have belly dance performance at CarTeamSupreme's Launching's Day :DD enjoy max too cause I was randomly became a car show girl too. Haha : XX Will upload more photos once I got all the photos :D Stay tune.
Here's some photoshoot photos, more photos? Go check them out in my FB! :D
CarTeamSupreme's Launching's Day ( car show girl, very part-time one :DD ) :
